For the record, it still hurts.
You've heard me talk about how much I miss my high school goth days- well, that feeling keeps spreading whether I want it to or not.
I spent this past weekend out of town, visiting friends that I haven't been able to spend time with in quite a while. It was honestly one of the most freeing things I've done in nearly a year. I spent two three-hour car rides singing beautiful songs at the top of my lungs in semi-perfect harmony, which you almost never get to do when you're being appropriate with normal people. I just got lucky in that my carmate loves to sing as much as I do.
Then we got to our friend's house, dressed up, and went to a party. I'm not usually a party person, but it was a party full of eccentric art students, which was awesome. It was nice to get out there and remember that artsy people do exist, and it's not all in my head.
We spent the next two days being fangirls and chatting about all of the things we love. I was allowed- encouraged, even -to read fanfiction and share what I was reading. It was perfectly fine for me to open up and say, you know what? I'm in love with fictional anime characters and I don't care who knows.
When I got back from the weekend, it felt like I was sinking back into what I think of as a restricting bubble in my head. Out loud, when I bring it up, my friends all say things like, Of course you can fangirl around us! We won't judge you! or maybe, Why do you feel like you can't express how much you like things? Don't you know that we love you?
My friends are right, of course. There's no reason why I could scream about Fruits Basket and Princess Tutu while out of town but not in my ordinary daily life. Logically, I don't make sense. That's what scares me, I don't make sense.
Do you know what it feels like to be trapped by something you can't identify? I don't KNOW why I can't express myself. If I knew that, I would stop it.
If I had my way and could do what I want, I would get back into ballet. I loved it, but was never really good at it as a child. When I lost my ability to dance, and any venue I had for doing it vanished, it felt like a part of me died. No more "Born to Hand Jive", no more ballet, tap, and jazz lessons on Tuesday nights. No more polka, no more waltz, no more tango. I haven't been able to dance in so long that I don't even know if I remember how.
Then I came to college and forgot how to sing. In a dorm room, you can hear everything through the vents (and I do mean everything). I couldn't exactly sing at the top of my lungs, not even in my own room. And God forbid I wanted to try expanding my musical range! No one in my residence hall would have appreciated some of the high notes I'm trying to learn to hit. Just like dance, I've been quiet for so long that singing feels like a thing of the past for me.
In high school, before everything fell to pieces, I could write. I was a good writer, I could create anything with words. Now? Hardly. I haven't been able to really sit down and write a thing that wasn't assigned for a class. Every time I try, I get five sentences in and lose all interest or motivation.
Last but not least, I started college as a Theatre major. It was wonderful, for all of two semesters, but I just couldn't hack the weird combination of professionalism and insanity that was theater. For me, it's a precious pastime that lets me express so many different things...but I was very easily intimidated by those with more talent than me, or more outgoing personalities. I changed my major. Now I'm in Mass Media, making films. I love it, and it's been a wonderful decision, but it just doesn't have the same artsy appeal that theater does.
I can't explain why all of my creative outlets seem to have curled up and died. What's worse, I can't explain how hard it is for me to try and fight against it, or why I even have to do that in the first place. It's like there's an expression switch in my head that's been flipped to "off". It's not that I'm uncomfortable expressing myself, I just can't do it.
At least I can still paint. People come to my room all the time and comment on how insanely girly and artsy my room is. Painting is one of the few mediums I haven't been able to destroy. I have a two by four foot muslin and watercolor replica of the stained glass rose from Beauty and the Beast on my wall. I have acrylic canvas paintings from Pocahontas, Tangled, and Mulan in some of the other rooms of my house. That's just the best way I've discovered to let myself express it. In fact, I have two more paintings lined up that I'm going to do as soon as I get the canvas I need.
Fakir and Mytho from Princess Tutu.
Yuki and Kyo Sohma from Fruits Basket.
I can't wait to work on these paintings. These are just the sketches I've drawn out for reference (although I admit the Fakir/Mytho one is based on an existing piece of fanart. Not owned by me! I just transferred it into sketch form.)
I suppose in the meantime I'll focus on my paintings, and try to see what I can do to be more expressive. I'm going to start painting more things. So far I've been pretty Disney focused, because it's easy, and it's what everyone expects of me. Step one of my expression recovery plan is to paint things that other people won't necessarily like or care about. I want my room to be a reflection of ME, not what everyone else thinks I am. Maybe if I start trying to be truer to my real self, I'll figure out how I went wrong in the first place.
This post has been fantastically rambling, so I understand if you don't feel the need to comment. Sometimes my trains of thought derail, making it hard to keep up. But if you managed it at all, congratulations.
