You remember my old roommate, Frost?
Gone.
She graduated with no lack of kicking and screaming, and went home to live with Mom and Dad until she could find something to do with her BFA in Art. I can't say I'm sorry we don't live together anymore.....while we were good friends, we had majorly different methods of communication, which made living together difficult.
Now I feel like I've sort of stepped back in time- I've moved in with my friend Maveth, whom I lived with for a few months a couple of years ago. I was dating her roommate at the time. The relationship didn't last longer than 8 months, but that's a saga in itself. The part that's relevant now is that I've tried a new approach by living with someone I already know I can live with. Maveth and I get along with a very different dynamic than Frost and I did. So far, I like this better, but we'll see how it goes.
My relationship with Severus has changed too. Now that we've been together for over a year and a half, I suppose he feels like our relationship entitles us to certain things. Most of the time, I agree, but sometimes I just wish he would pretend not to take me for granted. It's a common problem among couples, so I know it can be fixed, but that doesn't make it any less annoying. I'm not his wife, and if he ticks me off too much, I still have the right to walk away and not look back. Some days I wonder if he remembers that. I wonder what he would do if I told him to get off my couch and stop using up my internet unless he intends to pay for it or spend time with me in trade. I'm sorta tired of him coming to my house just to put in his headphones and ignore me while he looks up job listings across the country. If what you want is to be alone and use the internet, go to the college campus. It's free there too.
I'm connecting with my friends again. Or trying to. Last semester, between school and drama at home, I had no time or desire to see people. I took every opportunity I could just to find a moment's peace in my own head. Now, living with Maveth, I feel much less burdened. I've reconnected with Maveth and another of our old friends, and I'm finding more time to spend with the people I care about. I'm much happier now that I can crash in the living room in my comfy wicker papasan chair and watch TV for hours, without feeling uncomfortable. This is my house. I live here. It's mine.
Last but not least, I've decided to go to counseling this semester. I spent my summer working with the same company I worked for last summer, and a few people there happened to bring out the worst in me. I don't like being angry and having attitude problems. That plus my inexplicable "brooding" weekends, I was starting to feel like I needed it. When I floated the idea past most of my friends, they all said that it was a good idea. So I went to the campus counseling center last week and spent an hour telling a total stranger about my life. It felt good. I'm hoping it continues to feel good.
This weekend I went with Maveth and our other friend to see the new Mortal Instruments movie. It was every bit as campy and typical as I expected it to be, and even as a filmmaker-in-training, I loved every minute. So there, sue me for my tolerance of the mediocre. The style of the movie and the Linkin Park played in the car to and from the theater made me realize just how much I've changed since high school alone. I was one of the goth kids, who wore black every day, and multiple garments with studs or spikes on them. I owned a pair of Tripp pants and wore them proudly. I wore wristbands with phrases like "Master of the Obvious". I had pins on my backpack from Warped Tour bands like Killswitch Engage and Paramore. I would have committed murder to get to a Within Temptation concert. When I first went to college, I turned my back on all that, and gladly. But after a year here, I started to regress- I worked haunted houses, first on campus and then around town. I made friends with others who were goths and former goths, nerds, gamers, theatre geeks, and media dorks. I felt like I fit in again, which was nice. Then I fell away from that too, as life got more difficult and required more time spend studying and sleeping than working on my social life. That was fine.
Now I'm regressing again. That stupid City of Bones movie made me miss my goth side. I miss feeling like a girl who felt like she had herself under control because she had her eyeliner done and her nails painted black. I used to be able to just walk down the hall and people knew who I was because of what they saw. Was it them being shallow, or me putting my gothic self out there? Who knows. One of those two-way street things. These days, I feel like no one can see me for who and what I really am. It's not as simple as "I am goth because I wear black and chains" anymore. There's more to understand, and less to be seen. How does one go about feeling self-actualized when you feel like no one can see you? No can get a clear view of you as long as you're underwater, just fighting to make it to the distant surface and breathe.
What do people see when they look at me now?
"That girl has bags under her eyes and her hair is unwashed. She must have spent all night making sure she had the money to pay her electric bill. Such an accomplished person!"
If only that were possible.
In the meantime, I have to just do what's best for me, and try not to care what other people think. Yep, that tired old middle-school mantra is still here.
Here goes nothing. At least, nothing that anyone else will see.
Song of that Day.
