Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal or anything, I just can't quite figure out why it is that I periodically begin to feel as if there's a giant ravine separating me from every basic function of life. I swear if it weren't for painting therapy, I'd probably have problems with depression.
The people I know drift further and further away from me every day, and I can't explain why. For example, my apartment has always been a more or less "happening" place, due to my roommates' and my hatred of ever being alone. There's her, me, her fiancee, my boyfriend, his roommate, one of his coworkers, etc. who just basically live with us, even though only two of us pay the bills. Once upon a time we could all hang out in the living room laughing, having a good time, and enjoying each others' company. Lately, however, I've begun to despise being down there. I don't like hiding in my room like a princess in a tower, but every time I go downstairs, I wind up with nowhere to sit and nothing to do. They and their mess have spread out such that I don't feel like there's a place for me anymore. All they talk about is things I don't care about, and everyone's faults just pick at me until I want to scream. They just sit and play video games, all the time, and when I tried to get into it so I could have some kind of connection, I failed miserably. I just don't like what they like. So I hide upstairs. Every time I come down for something, my roommate asks me if I'm okay, but what do I say to that? "No, I'm not okay. I hate the fact that only one of us gets to really live in this apartment and the other just sleeps here"? The first thing she'll say is, 'But I've told you a hundred times that you can talk to me when you're upset and we can fix it'. Why haven't I done that, you ask? It seems reasonable, doesn't it?
Unfortunately, my answer is I don't know. I have no idea why, but I can't approach her. Maybe it's because I'm intimidated by the number of people she has at her back should she decide I'm out of line. Maybe it's that every time I try to talk to her about something serious and she feels threatened, she breaks down and cries, and nothing gets solved.
I don't have very many friends at all. Half of them are really only my friends because we live together. The other half are my coworkers, whom I love dearly. But even they can only help me for so long. After all, it's not their job to babysit me and cope with my every issue, they're functioning adults by themselves, and they've got their own problems to deal with. I feel like I'm intruding on their lives when we're together. So I get an hour or three every week where I really connect with someone, and then I go home and I'm alone again.
Even the boyfriend is a bit distant. Not his fault, he just got a job and he works from 3 to midnight every weekday, but it does mean he chooses to go home and sleep without me a lot more. Which means I'm alone. Still.
I know for a fact I sound like a whiny baby right now, and you're within every single one of your rights as a reader to close this tab and never return. I understand, really I do. I hate whiny people, I'm a terrible hypocrite that way.
It certainly doesn't help that I've been watching a lot of "friendship" and "feel-good" movies in my loneliness. You'd think I would know better.
And now for an appropriately whiny song to end a seriously whiny post.
